Self-Worth & the Inner Critic

I think we can all agree that our inner critic can be relentless.

You finish something and immediately notice what could have been better. You make a mistake and replay it for days. Someone seems distant and you wonder what you did wrong. You look around at other people's lives and find evidence that you're behind, too much, or not enough.

Many women have lived with this voice for a long time. I know I did.

One of the things I appreciate most about Internal Family Systems (IFS) is that we approach the inner critic with curiosity. Instead of trying to silence it, we get interested in why it's there. What is it afraid would happen if it stopped criticizing you? What is it trying to prevent? What does it believe its job is?

The answers are often surprisingly tender.

A critical part may have learned that if it catches your flaws first, other people's criticism won't hurt as much. It may push you to work harder because it believes achievement is what makes you valuable. It may obsess over how you look because somewhere along the way it learned that being attractive meant being accepted. It may analyze every interaction because making a social mistake once felt dangerous. What sounds harsh on the surface is often a protective strategy that's been working overtime for years.

There are usually other parts underneath the critic, too. A part that remembers being excluded. A part that still carries the feeling of disappointing someone important. A part that learned to compare herself to everyone else. A younger part that concluded, long ago, that if she could just be prettier, smarter, easier, more successful, or less sensitive, she would finally feel secure.

In therapy, we begin getting to know these parts. We can understand where the criticism came from, what it's been trying to accomplish, and what the more vulnerable parts of you are still carrying. As those parts begin to feel understood and supported, the critic doesn't have to work quite so hard.

You begin developing a different relationship with yourself, one with more curiosity, compassion, and more room to be human.