Communication & Boundaries

Knowing what you need and actually saying it to another person are two very different things.

You may spend days figuring out how to bring something up with your partner, then soften it so much that the point gets lost. You might avoid a conversation because you're afraid it will create conflict, wait until you're frustrated enough that everything comes out at once, or find yourself explaining and defending a perfectly reasonable request because the other person doesn't like it. For many women, speaking honestly can bring up an enormous amount of fear and anxiety.

Communication is something we can learn and practice. I draw heavily from Nonviolent Communication (NVC), developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg. I've studied and practiced NVC for over fifteen years because it offers a practical framework for understanding what's happening underneath conflict and expressing ourselves with greater clarity.

At its heart, NVC involves four basic steps: observations, feelings, needs, and requests.

We begin by separating what actually happened from the story we're telling ourselves about it. Instead of “You never help around here,” we get specific about what we're observing. From there, we identify what we're actually feeling and the need underneath that feeling. Maybe you're overwhelmed and need more support. Maybe you're hurt and longing for consideration. Maybe you're angry because fairness and shared responsibility matter deeply to you.

Then we get clear about what you're asking for.

This sounds simple. In practice, it can be surprisingly difficult. We may expect someone to know what we need without being told, hint and hope they'll figure it out, or wait until resentment has been building for months before finally saying something.

Boundaries are part of this work, too. Sometimes the conversation is about making a request and being open to the other person's response. Other times, it's about becoming clear about what you are willing to participate in, what you have capacity for, and what you will do when a situation isn't working for you. Learning the difference can change the way you approach relationships.

In therapy, we'll work with real conversations happening in your life. We might look at an interaction that went badly, figure out what you were trying to communicate, identify what you actually needed, and find language that sounds like you. We can also explore what makes certain conversations so difficult in the first place, especially when guilt, fear of conflict, people-pleasing, or old relationship patterns get activated.

The goal is to become more comfortable saying what you mean while staying connected to yourself and the people you care about.